Dysfunctional Family Rules: Coda Edition

By Joy Plote, Coda Counselor | The Space Between

Codas may encounter variations of the archetypal dysfunctional family rules, shaped by their dual roles as both children and language brokers or mediators within their families.

1. Don’t Feel:

   • Codas might suppress their emotions to prioritize the needs of their Deaf parents, particularly in navigating accessibility barriers.

   • Example: A Coda feeling they must always stay strong to support their family might avoid expressing their own frustrations or fears.

2. Don’t Talk:

   • Codas might learn early on that discussing family struggles, such as communication barriers or societal discrimination, outside the family is discouraged.

   • Example: A Coda might feel pressure to hide their parents’ vulnerabilities to protect them from stigma.

3. Don’t Trust:

   • Experiences of navigating a world that marginalizes Deaf individuals can lead to mistrust, both in others and in systems of support.

   • Example: A Coda might internalize a belief that they alone can advocate for their family, leading to hyper-independence.

Coda Roles in Families

Codas often take on exaggerated versions of these roles due to their responsibilities within their families. Here’s how these roles might manifest uniquely for Codas:

1. The Hero:

   • Codas in this role often act as the family’s “bridge” to the hearing world, excelling academically or socially to make their family proud and to offset societal challenges.

   • Impact: They may feel immense pressure to succeed and avoid burdening their parents with their own struggles.

2. The Problem Child (Scapegoat):

   • A Coda might act out as a way to express frustration with the dual expectations of family loyalty and societal demands.

   • Impact: They might be labeled as “difficult” within the family while struggling with unresolved feelings of being misunderstood.

3. The Mascot (Clown):

   • Codas might use humor to ease family tensions, particularly when navigating difficult interactions between their Deaf parents and the hearing world.

   • Impact: While their humor lightens the mood, it may mask deeper feelings of stress or loneliness.

4. The Lost Child:

   • Codas in this role might withdraw from family responsibilities, overwhelmed by the pressure to interpret, advocate, or mediate for their parents.

   • Impact: They may feel disconnected from both the Deaf and hearing worlds, leading to isolation.

5. The Caretaker (Rescuer):

   • This role is prevalent among Codas, as many become de facto interpreters and advocates for their parents from a young age.

   • Impact: This can lead to burnout and neglect of their own emotional needs as they prioritize their family.

6. The Overcontroller:

   • Codas in this role may attempt to manage every aspect of their family’s interaction with the outside world to avoid misunderstandings or discrimination.

   • Impact: This hyper-control can create tension in relationships and contribute to anxiety.

Intergenerational Trauma in Coda Families

Codas often inherit intergenerational trauma rooted in the historical marginalization of Deaf individuals. This can manifest in:

1. Identity Struggles:

   • Codas may feel caught between two worlds—neither fully belonging to the Deaf community nor the hearing world.

   • Example: A Coda might struggle with self-identity, feeling disconnected from peers who don’t share their unique experiences.

2. Hypervigilance:

   • Growing up interpreting for parents in high-stakes situations (e.g., medical, legal) can lead to a heightened sense of responsibility and hypervigilance.

3. Perfectionism:

   • Codas may feel pressure to excel as a way of compensating for their family’s challenges, leading to perfectionism and burnout.

4. Communication Patterns:

   • Codas may adopt communication styles influenced by their family dynamics, such as avoiding conflict or over-explaining.

Breaking the Cycle for Codas

Recovery and growth for Codas involve addressing the unique challenges they face while celebrating their cultural and linguistic heritage.

1. Acknowledging Dual Identity:

   • Embrace the strengths of being bilingual and bicultural, while exploring feelings of “in-betweenness.”

2. Setting Boundaries:

   • Codas can learn to balance their roles as advocates for their parents with their own needs, developing healthy boundaries.

3. Seeking Community:

   • Connecting with other Codas or Deaf individuals can provide validation and reduce feelings of isolation.

4. Therapeutic Support:

   • Therapy can help Codas process the unique stresses of their upbringing and navigate unresolved feelings of guilt or over-responsibility.

5. Rewriting Roles:

   • Encourage Codas to step out of the roles imposed by family dynamics, fostering self-expression and autonomy.

Conclusion

The concepts of dysfunctional family rules and roles apply directly to the experiences of Codas, but they are uniquely shaped by the dual pressures of navigating Deaf and hearing worlds. By understanding these dynamics, Codas can work toward healing and embracing their strengths, creating a legacy of resilience and self-awareness.

Codas are not defined by these challenges but by their capacity to bridge worlds, advocate for equity, and foster deeper understanding across communities. Recognizing and addressing the impact of dysfunctional dynamics can empower Codas to build healthier, more fulfilling lives.