When Exploding Feels Like the Only Way to Be Heard: Reactive Abuse and Deaf Experiences

Joy Plote
Mar 26
3 min read

Updated: Sep 22

By Joy Plote, Coda Counselor | The Space Between

Most people think abuse looks like yelling, hitting, or cruel words. But what happens when someone stays quiet for years… until one day, they finally explode?

In the Deaf community, that explosion is often misunderstood.

What if the person being labeled as “abusive” is actually reacting to years of being silenced?

What if that outburst is a cry from someone who has never been fully seen or heard?

Welcome to the painful and overlooked reality of reactive abuse, especially when layered with language deprivation, audism, and systemic communication inequities.

What Is Reactive Abuse?

Reactive abuse happens when someone who’s being manipulated, neglected, or provoked over time finally reacts — loudly, emotionally, or with intensity — and that reaction is used against them.

The aggressor then claims to be the victim, saying:

“Look how unstable you are.” “You’re overreacting again.” “This is why I can’t talk to you.”

In Deaf spaces, especially when hearing people are involved, this dynamic is often misunderstood. The Deaf person may be framed as the “angry one” — not because they are abusive, but because they are finally reacting to a lifetime of being unheard.

Deafness, Language Deprivation, and the Build-Up of Injustice

Many Deaf individuals grow up:

With no access to a full language until later in life (if at all).
In homes where spoken English was prioritized over signing, even when they couldn’t access it.
Left out of important conversations and decisions — at school, home, and in medical or legal settings.
Constantly needing to ask for interpreters, repeat themselves, or advocate for basic access.

These repeated invalidations create deep frustration and grief. When that pain goes unacknowledged, it doesn’t just disappear — it builds.

When a Deaf Person Explodes

When a Deaf person finally shows anger — whether through signing, tone, or facial expression — they are often labeled:

Too emotional
Aggressive
Intimidating
Overreactive

But these labels erase the full story.

That “outburst” may come after:

Being talked over for the hundredth time.
Being left out of a meeting again.
Being treated like a burden just for requesting access.
Being misinterpreted or misrepresented — not just once, but consistently.

It’s not just anger. It’s a desperate effort to be heard.

Why This Is Reactive Abuse — Not “Bad Behavior”

Reactive abuse is not about excusing hurtful actions. It’s about context.

When the person who has been silenced, dismissed, or mistreated finally reacts, and that is used as justification to blame them — we are dealing with a power imbalance.

In Deaf-hearing dynamics, this often looks like:

A hearing provider miscommunicating, then blaming the Deaf client’s frustration.
A hearing family member denying access, then calling the Deaf person “dramatic.”
A Deaf child being punished for “talking back” after years of being misunderstood.

Reframing the Narrative

It’s time to stop asking, “Why did they react that way?” and start asking, “What were they reacting to?”

We need to recognize:

Language deprivation is trauma.
Signing forcefully is not aggression — it’s communication.
Emotional expression in ASL is often misread through a hearing lens.
A Deaf person reacting loudly might be the result of systemic silencing — not a character flaw.

What Can We Do?

For Allies and Professionals:

Learn about reactive abuse and language deprivation.
Don’t judge someone’s emotional response without understanding their communication history.
Create safe spaces where Deaf individuals can express themselves fully without fear of being labeled.

For Deaf Individuals:

You are not “too much.”
Your feelings make sense.
You deserve access, safety, and respect — in your own language.
If you’ve ever been made to feel like the villain for reacting to injustice: you are not alone.